I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize