I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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