just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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