Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Text me some of your sweat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
