Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
