sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
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Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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