My cat gives me a boner
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
