I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
