I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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