dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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