the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
