News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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