Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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