I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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