Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
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I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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