i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
