he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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