Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
