i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
