Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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