so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
