dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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