I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
