I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
