trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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