The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
