This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
