wanna go halves on a baby?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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