Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
