too bad you live with your parents still
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
