dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
