i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
