I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
