everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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