The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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