i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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