Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
