if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
