she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
