Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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