I will die if light touches me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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