Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
