im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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