I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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