Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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