I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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