i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
