I haven't been this sober since birth.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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