My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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