i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
