remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
