i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
