god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
