Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
